sworks06

Isnt it odd how you can just realize something, something thats so significant it can effect your life forever. Scary is the only word i can find to describe that.

Recently i told someone something that i meant completly with my entire heart. She forgot and im not sure what the means in terms of what i told her. But i told her that i have absolutly no desire for any other. That no one will ever compare to her. That i see my self spending the rest of my life with her and i wouldnt want it any other way. I told her i loved her. Whole heartedly.

And as these weeks go by since i first told her that, i find my self questioning what i said. I always come back with tears in my eyes and the comforting thought of you forever with me.

Sbe was right when she told me love is a bullshit word. Becuase what i feel for her is so much stonger than love. Adoration...Passion these are the words that come to my mind when i think of her.

She's my princess, my boo , my baby girl , my best friend, the closest to my heart.

And she will be forever.

Ya know its times like these taht i realize how heavily i lean on music to get me through times that are ridiculously hard for me. Break up with steph for example, so many emmotions running in my head from rage to jelousy. and what band you might ask sums up basically all of coreys feelings Nonpoint. Sick. For real every song i listen to i can completly relate to. Elias, the lead singer, seems to have gone through alot of the same trials as i have. especially when it comes to love. I dont hate her, for sure never that maybe just extremly disapointed. Extremly. But the song Victim off of Nonpoint album Statement really lets me relax and forget atleast for those couple of minutes, and its greatly appreciated.







Fuck that!

A simple system, mind control
Losing your soul in this fight that you started
Now you're left broken hearted
Shot down off a cloud for being so dumb
You do everything you could for just a little more fun


But now
Consequence is comin'
No use to start your runnin'
You're on a ship out to sea
And I'm a storm cloud forming
Oh my God, what have I done?
Please forgive me
Fuck that!


I feel so hated
So aggrivated
So frustrated
I can't explain the way that I feel
I feel so numb
Like a fuckin' bum
Preferred to run than face the fact
Stabbed your back
I'm a victim
Slippin' through the system
Victim
Slippin' through the system

Now listen to me real slow
I know that you're just dyin' to know
The wrong direction
Wherever you were tryin' to go
The intersection I met you at a quarter to one
To listen to what you like doin' for fun

You had to learn the hard way
And I taught you
You had to take the long road
I never did
But I'm all numb
Like a fuckin' bum
Preferred to run than face the fact
I stabbed your back
You understand that
You do not deserve that
We can't go back
Can't you see it?

Oh my God, what have I done?
Please forgive me
Fuck that!

Yeah
Victim
Slippin' through the system
Slip, slip, slip, slip
Victim
Slippin' through the system
Yeah, slippin' through your...

sucks balls for real. i was doing so good untill shes like lets hang out. maybe its just how i feel for now ya know. i feel like ive comes to terms with her not loving me or wanting to be with me. quite frankly thats the truth of it. she can tell me all she wants that she still cares and still loves me but im not buying it. and for a good reason too. it just sucks to know that even now i feel like im being minipulated. Collin calls it a hook. and im obvioulsy stuck on it. the reason i am is becuase i keep on getting these mixed signals and shit from her. the i still love yous and i care about you deeply. i think its all bull but thats me and i feel tht way becuse of what she put me through. i mean how in the hell can you get out of a 3 year relationship no matter how on and off it was and then make out with a guy basically within the next 3 days. ya thats love. Maybe im realizing how fucked up this really is. ridiculous. I hate my self for how senstive i am. for how emotinal centered i am. im a romantic person. and i deserve someone who can apppreciate that and give back what i dish out. but why in the hell do i still wish you were with me. we both say you werent the best but god damn i love you. you were the best to me. untill college got its hands on you and decided to make you into the person who i know i wont settle for. but why do i still want you. Ha the conundrum is fucking ridiculous. A week goes by and you ask me if ive hooked up with girls??!?!?1 are you serious. if i did that it would mean i didnt give a shit about you. which is my reason for thinking you dont give a shit about me. atleast now if you cared you wouldnt be head first into the beggingins of another relationship. I find my self looking at your entry when we first were on a break. i find my self trying to find the smallest bit of hope that youll come back. but as these days go on i realize your gone to me. forever. you have no intentions of being in a romantic relationship with me ever again. Its time for me to completly realize it. I just wish i didnt have to. Too little to late right.

Life comes at you fast. shit. Its amazing how fast things can change. Life will never be the same. Although the absolutes seem better than not entirely knowing. yet still i find my self completly torn. My head is telling me to leave run as fast as humanly possible. It tells me this to avoid the hurt again. However my heart tells me to let her have her time. to have this relationship with some other guy. it will allow me to experience other things also. and we have the option open to get back together. It scares me to see her again. i dont know what will happen. shit acually i have a damn good idea as to what would happen. What always happen back together. Im unsure if i want that to happen at this point in time. My heart says hell yes shes made you so happy while my head tells me time and time again she has minipulated you beyond your own recognition. Which i know is true , in no way im i saying she did this deliberatly but it happend. she needs to see that she did minipulate me the entire time i was confused at the relationship you made it so i would come back. so you can have the comfort of me untill you went to college. and when you did you found someone who can fill me in. so you can forget me. Well atleast thats how i percieve it. She says she wants to see me and talk to me. Quite frankly i dont believe that. I feel youll just forget ...if you really cared for someone in college or in any respect you dont push them away you incooperate them into your new relationships.you didnt. but thats not what i want to get into. this isnt a bashing fest.

Im scared. Yes completly and totaly afraid. My parents dont want me to have anything to do with you. They have their point, a good a valid one. But i cant let you go. I will not brood any longer. BUT I AM NOT JUST FORGETING ABOUT YOU much like i fear you will do to me. But i will not allow my self to forget the one who has taught me so much and who continues to teach me about my ways. I am open to a relationship in thee future it its meant. which it could be. i hope so actually.

Expect a Christmas Present.

Im completly crushed. I cant even sleep and not see you. My one and only refuge is sleep and when i can still vividly see you it kills my heart. Im so miserable. It hasnt even been a day. i really just wish i could have had some inclination before this. i guess i did. all the times you said you wanna do both( go out with me AND you friends ) and all the other things. I can somehow understand a little bit where this came from. But in other ways i cant. I thought you were having your experience. You sounded like you were having so much fun. I dont even know if i can call you baby anymore . or boo . like i dont know how a "break" works. All i know is that without you my days and nights are worthless i cant have fun knowing your not mine. I dont know if were still commited to eachother and what not. i dont know if i can talk to you. i dont know anything. im so confused and so hurt. I guess id have to look at this like a vacation. Its just too bad this vacation cant be of any fun. just wish i had an explanation of how you cant experience college with me, you havent given any reason besides you just cant experience it which doenst tell me much at all. I cant go on to long without you. I miss you already so much. The pain is so real and so hard. knowing that i love you so much, and knowing that i dont want to love another. But i dont know how long i can wait. I just want to have a conversation, thats is just a conversation. It would be so easy if i was mad at you. So easy but i cant be. everyone ive talked to implies that i should be. that the reason you gave me was completly BS but i dont know i feel like you cant have someone else , or im just being incredibly nieve but i dont know. i jsut know i hope you come through with your promise and tell me hopefully soon that you do want to be with me again. I just love you soo much. So much. It causes me so much pain to know i cant talk to you when thats all i wanna do. Please come back to me.

So live has been good i guess. Chillen around with steph like usual. I got a job at Neon Deli in Weslyan cool shit mad free grub and free whatever i want so its pretty cool. So i finally can have some money in my pocket which i am excited about.

Me and steph have been good, some ups some major downs. but were good.
Lifes just boring right now. Crew started knee hurts but whats new?


oh well.

So it looks like im really going to college. I really thought that i was going to have to settle for some crappy school that im not really gonna like and im gonna have a mediocre degree. but yesterday my dad gave me a huge envelope from UCONN now here i am thinking that its just another rejection letter albeit a nice one on the count of its so big. i open it and read and think its just some orientation shit so i was like oh whatver i didnt get in but my dad told me i did. I didnt believe this crap , its insane. But i got in. and now im excited because UCONN business school is really REALLY good. ive seen so many people get rejected who are really smart and i somehow manage to get in. its crazy i have no clue how it happened but im really glad it did. Uconn wasnt my first choice but im deffently going now. its a real big weight off my sholders to know taht im going to be going to college now at a place that managble. I wont be going to the Storrs campus for 2 years ill be commuting to the Hartford campus and that is no big deal at all to me it saves alot of money and thats cool no biggie. plus if me and steph are together we can have our space seeing as she wants to go too. but we still have to talk about all that but thats later were taking it one step at a time. im just happy i got into a freaking school. and now me and papa dukes are really gonna have to look for a apartment for me and so he can commute back up to CT. im excited though...College...COOL SHIT

so its been a pretty intersting week...came home from florida spent a whole bunch of time with steph which is always interesting cause we miss eachother like crazy and then still have little quarrels whenever one of us is gone for some time and come back theres always a bit of tension. its weird...

new years was cool spent it with steph alone cause of the snow and other factors...kinda upsetting

my brother had his baby on January 1st cool stuff...hes all excited and my parents drove up to Tally again to be there for him and Tara.

But ya tahts it i dont have much else to say.

Coreyyyyy you mean LOTS AND LOTS. I love u!!!! & like i said we'll have pretty babies!!!!!!! toffe colored ones haha...u come home today!!!!! i'll be working but ill see u wendsay after i get out.. Love u SOooooo SO SO So mucho! MwAH<333

Im coming home tomrrow and ive never been so excited to come home to connecticut...but also to my boo i cant wait to see her...its been a long time without seeing her and things have gotten so much better i jus really want to see her againa nd spend some good time with her